I Hate My Birthdays

Above you will see one of the sweetest gifts I've ever received on my birthday.  The saying, "it's the thought that counts" is not merely cliche.  It is real.  I greatly appreciated everything I got and even just the words of dear friends that didn't forget me but it all made me think.

When I was younger birthdays were never really that big of a deal. Sometimes my family celebrated, sometimes they didn't - It didn't matter because my parents have always been extremely good at rewarding good grades or doing the random gift thing.  Plus I was never a child that wanted for much.

So fast forwarding to adulthood and the juncture of life where I believe growing pains should have ended, I Hate My Birthdays.
Of course I'm thankful for life - I'm very thankful, Thank God, I've seen another year.  But that doesn't change the gray cloud that follows me the weeks leading up to the day and remains hovered over my head for weeks after.  It's like birthdays are just a reminder of what I haven't accomplished and how closer to death I am. 
I mean seriously, it's not like I got balloons, cake and ice cream!!!  I got, "girl you almost 30", "you better hurry up have some babies", "when you getting married nah" <--------- SEE WHAT I MEAN

Then - try this on for size: I celebrate my birthday with my grammy.  Do I even need to elaborate?? No one cares that I'm turning 20 anything because no matter what my grammy will be turning 80 something.  No really!!! I turned 21, Mama turned 81 - 25, yup mathematician you're right, Mama turned 85.  LOL one year my family had a party for her I was barely invited to and I think I may have gotten one happy birthday.
I cherished sharing this day with my grammy, in many ways I still do, it made me feel like something special - especially cause I didn't really celebrate- NOW?  My selfish side kinda just wanna push that bish back a day or two.

So that's why I hate my birthdays.
But I shouldn't.

All the internal grappling with career or lack there of, anxiety and what ever else should never deter me from enjoying any day with the living.  I should enjoy time with AMAZING ppl who makes videos of/for me.  I should enjoy time with my grammy who treasures the fact that I was "her gift".  I promise next year.  I'll be better.

What A May it was...

I started writing this piece before month end   just so I wouldn't miss out on the blessed overwhelmingly happy feeling I have in this moment or any other feeling in between.  When I started this new blog it was my intent to just write my poetry.  As trite as it sounds, to get the fire going with an ex passion of mine.  Since we broke up, I wasn't happy.  I missed everything about word play.  I have since expanded that idea and written quite a few pieces of prose as well as sharing some of my life.  I've been writing things that touched me, things that were glazed over by us but are important to the development of our culture or lack there of and other random thoughts.  Needless to say, I have rekindled things with my boo thang and things have never been better.

At this point, (two weeks into June) my blog has received over 3,200 views.  It may seems minimal but I am thankful for each person that took the time to even glance my way.  I am super excited that readers from France, Curacao, Spain, Canada, Mexico, Jamaica, Netherlands, United Kingdom, Italy, United States, Saudi Arabia, Serbia, Japan, Netherlands, Venezuela, Barbados, Ireland, Bulgaria and most recently Denmark read. (some even came back).  Please, if you visited and your country is not named - share, I would LOVE to know.

But this joy would be fleeting without my country's support.  So BIG UP Bahamas - most of my views belong to you!!  It is humbling to know you could be doing anything, but you took the time to read my work.

Every time a new reader stops by I'm overjoyed.  I do not write only for views but to know that people around the world have taken any of their time to share in my experiences
makes me feel accomplished.  This blog has helped me grow tremendously.

In May, I also celebrated a birthday.  Anyone who knows me knows that around birthday time I get sort of solemn.  I honestly can't even help it - it's like where did the time go and how can I get it back.  When life was as easy as Sesame Street, naps and eating what ever you like with not a pound gained.  But we can't stay young forever and it is a blessing beyond measure to make it to another year.  Thank God!!  The birthday was low key but it was still awesome.  I was reminded that sometimes I can't keep it all together, and it is okay to fall apart as long as you put yourself together again.  I have a champions in my corner and my strong mahogany frame deserves a special thank you because he is a big support in my life.

Ohhhhh what a May it was.....(wonder what June will bring?)