When I was asked for help in penning something in memory of another fallen classmate, I hesitated. Not because I didn't care or because I was too busy...no. I hesitated because I always feel sharing when one has passed should be only afforded to those closest the lost soul. I felt guilt. Even though the news of my friend Alan shook me to the core - I felt guilty, for a magnitude of reasons. But I put those feelings aside because I wanted to be agreeable, and I believe Paige tried to show the family that we the class of SAS 2005 truly did care. So my guilt of not being there when he suffered or of sharing 10 years old memories, of when I knew him best subsided. I worked to capture the essence of Alan and what I felt the whole class could co sign.
Below is what I shared with Paige:
A picture, a poem – a prose piece pulled from deep
within our stomachs, from deep within our hearts – none can truly capture how
greatly Alan will be missed. We will
miss “Erm” – to which only him truly knew the meaning. We will miss the
cupcakes – which aided in our great cupcake battle post our graduation in 2005.
We will miss our dear friend Alan. So it
is with surreal sorrow and heavy hearts we the class of 2005 come to celebrate
the life of Alan and say farewell to our friend and brother.
He was a friendly, kind, sweet, loving, respectful
and respectable young man whose life we’ve come to celebrate today. There is a saying, a friend to all, is a
friend to none; however, we beg to differ.
There are people like Alan who are rare breeds that can garner title,
“Friend to all”. Because Alan, absent of ill will or dissection, but maybe some smart remarks, was never
angry long enough to be mean to others.
Many of us did not know the suffering Alan
experienced and if we did, it is certain that we would have tried anyway
possible to lighten his load. But he was
not alone by any means. His family, to
which we extend deepest condolences, of course battled through with him. We
pray that they continue to have strength.
We pray that we can all remember him happy and healthy.
It is also our prayer that losing Alan shows us how
to put aside any quarrels and only share love and laughter between us. His passing is a testament to how short our
time is on earth and how we must make the most of it.
This was my original thoughts but we had to rework things and Paige and I collaborated on the final piece, both of us pleased with the outcome. Paige's heart & mine tumbled together to create a melodious farewell.
Still feeling guilt - from thoughts only brewed up by the inner workings of my complex emotions and thoughts - I walked in the church alone. Stoic almost. Ironic enough the first person I saw from our class was Paige - We walked to the front together, I try never to view bodies but I did, a decision I'm haunted by today.
Eyes remained without tears. I refused to cry. But my heart was so heavy. But I had to be strong for everyone else, even if I wasn't leaned on. I refused to cry.
But seriously, he was my age. People tell me that my life has not even started yet, his has already ended - I was never good at Math but that equation is the most puzzling. Another thing, we shared a birthday month, a sign - Taurus. I don't even follow astrological signs, but I stumbled upon something interesting which makes me understand our bond even better.
It reads:
"Taurus and Friendship:
A Taurus is an excellent friend. Taurus has few close friends as opposed to many acquaintances. The few people they hold dear to them are guarded and protected. Their friends are treated like family and they are fiercely loyal and dependable. Taurus loves to be the host or hostess. Although not a total social butterfly, they can be shy around strangers, the people who Taurus let into their lives are lavishly catered to when Taurus decides to throw a party, they decorate and present everything lavishly. Taurus will always pamper themselves and their close group of friends."
That sums it up - So eventually I broke down and quickly regained composure. I won't share private conversations but I will say every time we spoke we expressed that we missed each other and loved each other. These ramblings of my heart are all over the place but here's my conclusion.
When someones dies but you refuse to cry, tears & pain will be manifested in other ways. So despite whatever guilt you may feel or wanting to be strong it's okay to cry. It is not weak, there is no shame, guilt has no reason for showing up, mourn your loved ones as only you can.
References
Zodiac Signs http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/taurus.htm
which has an anti breakage serum. & I used my Denman 
and pulled my hair out. 
